Affairs of the Heart and Body - When Things Go Wrong!

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What Should "><U><B>I'm In Love With My Friend!  What Should I Do?</b></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="0451a1a3.gif"> <bR> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Times New Roman" ><I><B>AskEssex </b></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFCC99" FACE="Arial" >     </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CCCC66" FACE="Arial" >| </FONT>  <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AskEssex "><U><B>Home</b></U></A></div> <div> Back to <A HREF="id16.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Past Issues"><U>Past Issues</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Community Links"><U>Community Links</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AskEssex Shop"><U>AskEssex Shop</U></A>  </div> <div> <IMG SRC="05058050.gif" border=0 width="600" height="5" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <I><B>Affairs of the Heart and Body - When Things Go Wrong!</b></I></div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="702" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 864 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> About 7 months ago, I began college, and I played soccer in the fall. One of the graduates from my college came back to help coach, and the second I saw her, I knew that my life would never be the same. For the duration of the season, I kept my feelings hidden and tried so terribly to ignore my aching heart. After 3 months of this harboring of emotions, I began to crumble inside. I wrote her a terribly long letter explaining everything. She was so great about it all. She told me that she appreciated how deeply I cared for her, but that nothing would be able to happen between us-she was one of my coaches, after all. </div> <bR> <div> Well after two months of talking everyday, we got very close, and she even told me that I was quite possibly her best friend. She also told me that she wanted to kiss me. Well, we went on a little trip and sure enough, she did, in fact kiss me! In fact, it was quite a bit more than just that. She told me that she “had feelings for me she didn't know what to do with”. Since that first experience, we have had several subsequent “make-out” sessions, and they have all been nothing less than magical. I have never felt with anyone the way I feel in her arms; I see my soul in her eyes and my heart in her hands. </div> <bR> <div> Nonetheless, I talked to her about what she considered herself-sexual orientation wise-and she responded that she was heterosexual, and “can one experience with one person constitute bisexuality?” I told her it's not about what you do, but rather, how you feel. She has failed to respond to what I said, and I am altogether confused. I am not sure if I should discontinue being physically intimate with her, because if she is, in fact, heterosexual, then what are we doing? Am I just hurting myself by pretending something is there when it isn't? However, I am slow to say she is being honest with herself. She says that she loves me, and that she loves being intimate with me. How do I get her to reach within herself and decide what it is she is denying? And if not that… how do I tell her I don't want to be intimate anymore, when I want more than anything to do just that?! I feel like she could be the person I am meant to spend my life with, and I can't imagine myself being with anyone else-ever. Any advice would be so very helpful! </div> <bR> <div> -- Soccer Lover</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="864" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Soccer Lover,</div> <bR> <div> Thank you for writing to AskEssex. What you've described is a very common scenario. Many "heterosexual" identified women have sexual relationships with other women but continue to consider themselves "straight." It's strange, I know, but reality. </div> <bR> <div> What complicates your situation is that you are so emotionally invested in this woman, and her continuing to identify as heterosexual is making you feel like she doesn't care for you the way you would like her to. It's a painful position to be in. However, you cannot force or guilt your "friend" into adopting a label that she is not ready to wear. So, where do you go from here?</div> <bR> <div> You can continue with things the way they are, but understand the inherent risks of falling in love with someone who is uncertain about her feelings. On the other hand, you can save yourself future pain by ending the sexual relationship now. If I were you, I would enjoy what you have and mourn over the loss if and when it happens. Because whether you end it now, or she ends it later, the pain will be just as sharp. And although you can't imagine ever being with someone else, I guarantee you that as time goes by your feelings will change. There's nothing as crazy and intense as young love, but it gets better with time.</div> <bR> <div> Good luck, keep your head up, and let Essex know how things turn out.</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1066 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> I'm a 20 y/o gay male and I am deep in the closet.... and I am so attracted to my little cousin who is 17. I've always liked him and every time I show it in a way by putting my arm around him, or touching him on his side, he'll take my arm off as if he doesn't like it. But one night... he spent the night over my house and we slept on the couch... this night was the closest I ever got to him.... We laid on the couch and talked for a lil... he asked me to put on a porno cuz he was horny.. but I didn't instead, I just went to sleep... I woke up around 3... and he was still sleeping... only that my foot was between his legs on his crouch... so I laid next to him and felt his stomach.. and went down to his penis... and when I touch him... He was hard.... he let me touch him for a few seconds... then he changed positions </div> <div> as if he wanted me to let go... The next day... I confronted him about it and I asked him if he was ok w/ it... he says he was fine.... but when I told him "I never felt this way about anyone b4..'" he replies" I don't even know what </div> <div> happened last night.'"  He just went to sleep and woke up....4 some reason I don't believe that. Every weekend after that I've tried to get closer.... but he refuses... acting as though he's not interested in me... yet we always hang out together... now... he's always talking about girls but I never see him with one... or when I tell him there's a party with girls his age... he doesn't want to go... or when he sees a girl that he likes... he never steps up to talk to her.....I have a strong belief that he is gay... yet he's trapped in the closet... What do you think????  I really wanna open the subject about it with him but the last time I tried to he'll change the subject or act as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about...I really wanna move further with this relationship. What do I do?  How do I find out if he is gay or bi... Better yet, how can I find out if he likes me?  He already knows that I'm gay... he's seen my webpages that I look at... is their a sign to all this???  Pplease write back asap...I never had a relationship b4 and I want to know.... Everyone in my family knows me and my lil cousin got something going... </div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1066" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Hi!</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex! Let's get something out in the open first and foremost. He is your COUSIN! This is incest and it doesn't matter that he's male. Incest is wrong, immoral [I should have said inappropriate] and will only lead to problems! </div> <bR> <div> Now that we've gotten that out of the way, my advice is this: find someone your age who is NOT related to you and try to have a relationship with that person. Every attraction should not be acted upon. Also, your COUSIN doesn't seem to be interested in you. Since that appears to be the case, leave it alone. Stop pestering him about it and just drop it. Just because it's something you want doesn't mean he wants it too. It seems that you have convinced yourself that he's interested even though there are strong facts to the contrary. Maybe he's not interested in you because you're his COUSIN. Whether or not he's gay is immaterial to this matter. </div> <bR> <div> If people in your family think something is going on, then they will be very bothered by it and it will cause problems in the family. Something like this happened to someone close to me and it wreaked havoc and caused a great deal of embarrassment. My advice again is to leave it alone. Also, in certain places your COUSIN is still a minor and any sexual relations that you engage in are considered statutory rape in the US. Something else to think about. </div> <div> There are too many non-COUSIN gay men out there for you to focus on. You should get involved in activities in your area and leave the kid alone. Just because he's not bothered by the fact that you're gay and he watches pornos with you doesn't mean he wants to have sex with you. Maybe he likes you as a friend and just wants a friendship. I have friendships with most of my cousins, but not sexual relationships. You just shouldn't go there. Have some self-respect and some respect for your cousin. There are just too many gay men out there for you to want to begin a relationship with a relative. </div> <bR> <div> That's my advice and I hope you will give some serious consideration to what you are thinking about doing. He's your COUSIN and he's younger. This kind of relationship can only breed trouble and heartache and embarrassment. By all means, use some common sense! If you need advice on finding resources in your area, please write back. Also, it would probably help with your own coming out process to meet other gay men. Maybe you're fixated on your cousin because you're kind of out to him and he hasn't turned his back on you. But this is not reason enough to pursue a sexual relationship with him. Sorry if it sounds like I'm being harsh, but I am. Some things have to be taken seriously and you must look at the consequences of your actions. Good luck with finding someone else not related to you to get involved with. Stay strong and keep the faith! </div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 487 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I've fallen for a friend of mine who has been in a relationship for over 5 years, the thing is... they are both new friends of mine and we all hang out a lot now.   Every time we make plans I know that I am only interested in "hanging out" with THE ONE of them but it seems a small compromise to at least be around him, even if his boyfriend is always around. He is so beautiful to me in every way, inside and out, and his boyfriend is so disrespectful to him around me so I know I'd be better for him. Now I have started to read every one of his actions as mutual interest and the entire thing is driving me insane! I don't want to be responsible for breaking them up but this selfish obsession is bringing out the Melrose Place character in me! I figure if he IS interested in me too then I wouldn't necessarily be to blame.  I mean, if he is interested in me as well then he must not be happy in their relationship, and I am almost sure that he is interested... but not enough to humiliate myself (yet). Just how can I find out if he is interested in me without causing a problem? How can I let him know that I have an enormous crush on him without actually telling him? </div> <bR> <div> -- Thief of hearts </div> <bR> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="487" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Thief of Hearts,</div> <bR> <div> You pose an interesting query. How does one communicate without speaking, and inquire without questioning? When you're dealing with someone who is bound by a relationship, it is often a very difficult situation to negotiate without risking the friendship. Sometimes it is better to patiently wait until the relationship ends and then swoop in after the appropriate weeks of mourning. However, sometimes, planting the seeds of interest can grease the gears and speed up the inevitable. So, if you're not prepared to do the manly thing and tell your friend that you've developed an interest in him and accept the consequences good or bad, then ... do the charming boyish thing and drop not-so-subtle hints, charm the pants off him, and wait for him to approach you. </div> <bR> <div> It is almost impossible to approach someone who is in a relationship without causing some ripples. However, you don't get what you want without asking for it. So you need to decide whether your feelings for him are so strong that their expression outweighs their repression.</div> <bR> <div> Good luck and let Essex know how things turn out.</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 1010 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I'm kind of in a bundle here, and I need help getting out!!! Here's the deal, I'm with a 23-year-old and she has a kid. I'm 17 and still in school, not o mention that I still live with my mom! My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. It started out really good, she was very nice and sweet, but then as the year went on she changed!!! This change wasn't for the best either. I love her, but I feel like if something don't change I'm going to fall out of live with her! We were doing ok until I got confused about being with her. I feel for my best friend's EX-GIRLFRIEND, who is my and my girlfriend's good friend. This other girl came on to me, and I feel for it. What can I say, I'm a sucker for sweet talking!!!! So me and her fooled around, but we never did anything else but kissing! </div> <bR> <div> My girlfriend found out about it and we fought and worked things out. But about two weeks ago I found out that she had kissed my good friend. She confessed to it and I forgave her. Now everything is falling down hill, all we do is fight anymore, and I know I shouldn't take in a lot of the stuff we go through because I'm only 17! I think I'm falling out of love with her because I'm finding myself making excuses to not be with her. </div> <bR> <div> Another thing that I didn't mention was that I have cheated on her again, with one of my good friends. I love her dearly, but I also have strong feelings for my other friend!!!!!! This other friend has feelings for me to. I want to end it between me and my girlfriend, but I'm very soft hearted. Can you help me? </div> <bR> <div> -- Confused </div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1010" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Confused,</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex! You do seem to be in a bad situation with the potential to get worse. I think it's difficult for someone your age to have a monogamous relationship with someone, especially someone 6 years older. This is the time in your life when you should be experimenting with other people and exploring your sexual freedom. That period continues into your 20s and you should enjoy it. Being with someone older is cool at first, but it can wear thin on either party pretty quickly. It seems that you and your girlfriend have been together for a while. A year and a half is a long time when you're not even 20! </div> <bR> <div> It's perfectly normal for you to be confused about who you want to be with. But in fairness to your girlfriend, you have to make up your mind. If you want to see other people, you have to be honest about that. Yeah, she won't like it, but at least she knows the deal. You're not keeping anything from her. You are being upfront. </div> <bR> <div> It gets really messy when we begin relationships with close friends of ours and our girlfriend. That has the potential to blow up in your face. In many instances, it's best to leave it alone. I say that because there are quite a few people who will have their feelings hurt in the process. However, if you and the friend have strong feelings for each other, then go for it. People are going to be upset anyway. You might as well enjoy life because you can't please everyone. However, I think that you need to be honest with everyone involved. Tell the GF you want to see other people. This may mean that she won't want to see you anymore. That's a chance you'll take. However, you'll know that you were honest and that counts for a lot. Tell the friend that you're interested, if you want to pursue more. Otherwise, don't make it any messier than it already is. Tell those you're interested in that you don't want a committed relationship, if that is the case.</div> <bR> <div> As for breaking up with the GF, you're just going to have to tell her how you feel. If it's what you want, then let her know that and don't go back on your word. What I mean is, if you don't want to be with her, then leave her alone and let her deal with the breakup. You two won't be able to be friends tomorrow, if at all. Breakups are painful and require healing time. Give her and yourself time and space. Most important is to be true to yourself and honor what you want. Know that you deserve to have what you want, within reason of course. (SMILE)</div> <bR> <div> Good luck and please let Essex know how things are going. Stay strong and keep the faith! Enjoy your youth!</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 1548 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I would like some advice on a dilemma I have. Your responses to other situations are valuable and great. Hope you can help me here or give me some direction. Here goes. I am a Hispanic who is attracted to four different men, all married and white. </div> <bR> <div> The first guy is 57, we work together, as well as the wife. We are all friends and socialize, party, eat lunch/dinner, etc. He and I found out about 3 years ago. He knows that I want him, but he has not really done much about it. He is super shy and says he is still interested, but cannot get to it. He fantasizes sometimes about me on him. I tell him my dreams and he is flattered. He lets me grab him once a month. This is as far as we have gone. Is he just keeping me around for fun or should I remain patient? I show him nude men pictures and he likes seeing them. I write him letters and he likes them. He's never been chased by anyone, male or female until now. He thanks me for being interested in him. His wife is very aggressive and mean at times with him. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Sometimes she works on her computer in one room and he watches TV in another. </div> <bR> <div> The second is also a married man 47, been friends for a few years. Was his best man and dated his wife before their relationship. We only necked. We have come close and I visit them once a week. We have begun to give hugs and play heavy grab ass. Grab each other in crotch, butt, tits, and after a few drinks when leaving, peck on the lips. Wife is around while playing grab ass, but not the kissing part. He complains he doesn't get enough and she doesn't like to give head, which he likes. He's too big for her mouth. Is he interested in me or is he just being nice? Sometimes we see each other at urinals, so I know what he has as well as what I have. Should I pursue harder or let it run its course? They each have kids by different marriages and I have had to be the peacemaker and keep them together. The kids are good, but they have a hard time adjusting to each stepparent. I am the uncle they feel equally secure with. </div> <bR> <div> The third is another married man-54. We visit on the net emailing and visiting when he comes to town once a week. We hug and I place my leg in his crotch. He doesn't move and I feel him on my leg. I hold is hand slightly and touch his tummy to which he doesn't move away. His wife is controlling and keeps his time, so we only visit about half an hour. We wink and smile and gaze at each other a lot. I have thrown myself at him, but he doesn't follow through. He just smiles and laughs. Several times he used to walk behind my chair and I would stick my elbow out to rub the crotch. He would still squeeze by and I got my feel. On occasion, he would get semis. He also lets me place my hand on his legs too. Is he game? Should I just tell him, "I want you?" </div> <bR> <div> The last one is really confusing. He is 32, and very much a str8 guy. However, he and I have become very good friends. I have given him a nude body massage, lotioned his hard tool, touched and played with his butt. Watched him pee-he shakes me off and I shake him off, bathe, shave, etc. We even French kiss passionately and hug each other, grab each other's crotch and ass. I help him a lot and he helps me a lot. We even tell each other we love each other. But, he says no BJ or anything like that. He doesn't do that stuff. Is he kidding himself? I think he wants me, but is afraid or something. His wife is no good. She's a fake, user, liar, and a manipulator. We no longer get along after she abandoned him and the 3 kids for 4 months. She fucked around on him and partied a lot. I used to see her in action. Now they are back, he's semi ok, but is not too convinced or happy with her. Am I his escape? He has been put down by his family and wife for a lot of years, where I encourage him and guide him to be better. This is long, but I need some advice, being so close and not doing anything is really frustrating. With all of these scenarios, I do not fool around at all and keep to myself a lot. Just that this has been going on for some years and now I need to know if they want me. I am a discreet, quiet, hardworking guy. I am secure about my sexuality, financial status and person. Thanks for your help. Have a good evening. </div> <bR> <div> -- Why me?? </div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1548" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Why Me,</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex! You are in quite a predicament. I will begin by asking, what is it you see in these men? Do you have fears of commitment? Do you like people who are unavailable? I ask these questions since all of these men are unavailable in the sense that they are all married. Do you feel that you are not worthy of love or a relationship since you are putting all of your emotional energy into men who are unavailable? Are you scared to try to love someone who can fully love you back? You need to begin by asking yourself these questions. Your problem isn't that these guys are married. You problem is with you and your current emotional state. We tend to be attracted to those we can't have when there are things going on with us, things we may not want to face. What's going on with you? If you get to the root of these questions, you'll have all the answers you need. </div> <bR> <div> I would advise you to get involved in local queer groups in your area so that you can meet other single gay-identified men. Chasing married men will only lead to heartache, confusion and bad situations all around (especially when their wives find out). It is highly unlikely that a man will leave his wife and children and the comfort and security of a heterosexual marriage to be with another man. I don't see it. I think you need to stop being their object of desire and sex and find yourself a queer playmate. It sounds like these guys are using you and you are allowing yourself to be used. Since they know you like them and that you are gay, they are going to use you as long as you allow it to happen. Stop it now before you become any more emotionally invested in these games. Move on and find other men like yourself. There is a man out there who can love you back. If you leave these guys alone, you may find him. If you continue to give these relationships (that have no greater future than what you're currently getting) all of your attention, you're going to miss out on the real thing. </div> <div> Good luck and play safe! Keep the faith and stay strong!</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 627 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I'm a 24-year-old.  Three years ago when I was 21 I met a guy who was 16. We quickly became best friends and soon found out there was more going on than just a friendship. So we experimented sexually. It was the first gay experiences for both of us. However we bonded so well, that is wasn't just about the sexual part, but also the emotional part. </div> <bR> <div> He quickly became more afraid of his sexuality and about rumors starting about our relationship, so he abruptly cut things off with me completely. He would not speak to me at all. I was crushed and so was he. I hadn't spoken with him or seen him in nearly three years, until a few months ago. He contacted me and we made up and decided to renew a friendship. Meantime I've been in another relationship for 1 and a half years with a guy I love very much. I love my relationship now but have a lot of issues with my partner and I'm not sure if I want to spend my life with him. He's very jealous of me, he depends on me emotionally and financially, and would be crushed immensely if I ever left him. My friend has now expressed his feelings for me and says he wants to start a relationship. And I feel the same way and that he is the love of my life. But the major factor in the way of anything is my relationship now. I don't want to hurt him but I know I probably will have to. Please tell me if I'm crazy to dump someone who loves me so much but I don't feel quite the same way. And please tell me what you think I should do. </div> <bR> <div> -- All mixed up </div> <bR> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="627" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear All Mixed Up,</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex! You are in the best position to know what to do in this situation. You should never stay with someone just because of how they feel for you. If you feel nothing for them or very little, in the end you are doing both parties a disservice. You are not being honest with the other person and you are not being true to yourself and your feelings. You are wasting your time and the other person's time. The other person is led to believe you feel the same way and that even if you don't, you will in the future because why else would you still be with him? This is unfair to him. Let him know you don't feel the same way and move on. Be compassionate and kind and let him down easy. There's no need to mention the new relationship. That will only complicate matters. Good luck with the new relationship with your friend. Take things slowly and get to know each other again before rushing into anything serious. </div> <bR> <div> Stay strong and always practice safer sex. There is still no cure for AIDS! </div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 888 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I had a good friend since I was 10 years old. Our relationship almost 10 years. Both of us live quite near to each other. We used to go out together. I hoped our relationship could be forever, but something happened and changed everything. I had a friend named [__]. I admired him almost 3 months. While my good friend and I had a chat, I told her my incident because I trusted her. I hoped she could help me up. So, I introduced [__] to her. After 1-2 months, I heard my friends said that he was interested in her. But, I didn't trust my friends because they might misunderstand. Close to each other didn't mean both of them were in love. They could be close friends as well, couldn't they? I trusted her. Until one day... All of our friends were going out for a movie. I rang him, see whether he could picked me up or not. He told me that he wanted to go somewhere else. Fine. Then, I rang her. She told me that her friend was going to pick her up. Oh well, seems like I had to go by myself. While I was walking towards the cinema, I saw them walking towards the cinema together too. What a coincidence?! At that moment, I felt something was going wrong. I asked them why they were together? They answered me that they met each other at the car park. Will you believe that? I don't think so... I was very angry and headed back my house. I didn't contact both of them for 1 month. Finally, she rang me. She told me both of them were in love. I was damn angry and slammed the phone. From that day onwards, I no more treated her as my good friend. Even worst, my biggest enemy. Although we were still in one big group of friends going out together. But, I neither talked nor looked at both of them. Sometimes, both of them tried to talk with me but I ignored them. I felt very sad and stupid. My friends tried to advice me. But, I just couldn't forgive and forget what she had done to me. What should I do? </div> <bR> <div> -- Unforgiven</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="12"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="888" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="12" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Unforgiven,</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex! This seems to be an ohh-too common occurrence. Something similar happened to me many years back. I eventually forgave my friend because I valued the friendship more than anything. This is about control and fear. You have no control over what others do, not even your close friends. If you've known your friend for 10 years and you have a close friendship, then nothing should be able to come between you, especially not a boy. You are hurt because you feel betrayed. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel this way. However, feeling this way forever won't do you any good in the long run.</div> <bR> <div> If she's your friend, forgive her and get back to your friendship. There are too many men out there for you to chose from for you to get bent out of shape over this one who didn't seem to be interested in you. Forgiving your friend will take time and you should be patient with yourself. Also, be honest with how you feel. Let her know that this hurt your feelings a lot and that you feel that she violated a trust. (If you feel this way.) A good friend is hard to find and those 10 years should count for something. </div> <bR> <div> You are hurt because she's with the person you wanted. That's valid. But no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone want you if that person wants someone else. Apparently this guy was more interested in your friend. Since she is your friend, my advice is to repair the friendship. Find another guy more worthy of your affection and attention and move on. If this guy didn't know how you felt about him, he can't be blamed. As for your friend, you can blame her, but where does that get you? It doesn't get you the boy and you've lost a friend in the process. Put your pride aside, be true to your feelings (let yourself be angry for a while), and then get back to your friendship. You can forgive with time, but you will never forget. Just don't let this one thing ruin a good friendship. If you didn't value her friendship, you wouldn't feel so badly now. Life is just too short to be mired in unhappiness and misery. Also, you have a lot of living to do. So, get to it and find another boy who will love you in return. </div> <bR> <div> Stay strong and keep the faith!</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>