Should I Stay or Should I Go?

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=820799" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=188 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <IMG SRC="0468cab0.gif" border=0 width="140" height="171" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <A HREF="id14.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Gay Youth: Expressing a Gay Identity "><U><B>Gay Youth: Expressing a Gay Identity</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id12.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="She/He is Bisexual! 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What Should "><U><B>I'm In Love With My Friend!  What Should I Do?</b></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="0451a1a3.gif"> <bR> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Times New Roman" ><I><B>AskEssex </b></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFCC99" FACE="Arial" >     </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CCCC66" FACE="Arial" >| </FONT>  <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AskEssex "><U><B>Home</b></U></A></div> <div> Back to <A HREF="id16.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Past Issues"><U>Past Issues</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Community Links"><U>Community Links</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AskEssex Shop"><U>AskEssex Shop</U></A>  </div> <div> <IMG SRC="05058050.gif" border=0 width="600" height="5" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <I><B>Should I Stay or Should I Go?</b></I></div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="701" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 606 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Hello,</div> <bR> <div> I am in a long-term relationship which has recently become physically and verbally abusive. My partner is a controlling untrusting alcoholic who has made my life an unhappy fearful place and its only getting worse and I don't know who to turn to.  He controls my every move and all my money.  Although I live in Los Angeles unfortunately I am at a loss as to what resources are available for me to seek out and I need advice to find some help to get out of my situation before it gets any worse.  What can I do?   I need to get out......can YOU ADVISE????</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Follow up from Essex:</b></I></div> <bR> <div> If you ever find yourself involved with an abusive partner, please seek help.  There are many organizations out there to assist you in leaving and finding a safe home.  You don't have to stay in an abusive relationship.  You do have options!  Same-sex partner abuse is real and continues in the queer community because of silence.  If you know someone in an abusive relationship, please try to help them.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please get help.  Also, always feel free to write AskEssex for resources near you.</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Resources:</b></I></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/" "><U><B>Gay Partner Abuse Project</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.lambda.org/DV_background.htm" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.lambda.org/DV_background.htm""><U><B>Domestic Violence in Gay Relationships</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/same-sex_partner_abuse.html" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html"><U><B>Same-Sex Partner Abuse</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/aardvarc1/abuse/gay.htm" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://hometown.aol.com/aardvarc1/abuse/"><U><B>Gay & Lesbian Abuse Issues</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.en.com/users/allison/l_dv.html" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.en.com/users/allison/l_dv.htm"><U><B>Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships</b></U></A></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="11"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="606" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="11" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Thanks for writing AskEssex!</div> <bR> <div> Please check out this link to the LA Gay and Lesbian Community Center.  Contact them and they should be able to direct you.  Because you live in LA, you are around many different resources.  Just reach out and someone is there to help.  Please take care of yourself.  Life is too precious to waste being abused by someone.  </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.laglc.org/section05/S0512.htm" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.laglc.org/section05/S0512.htm"><U><B>L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center</b></U></A></div> <div> 1625 N. Schrader Blvd.</div> <div> Los Angeles, CA  90028-6213</div> <div> Tel: 323/860-5806</div> <div> Fax: 323/993-7699</div> <bR> <div> Good luck!  Please let Essex know that you are safe!</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 994 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I first met my girlfriend in a student organization at school, but didn't take much notice of her. It wasn't until later in the next semester until I began to see her in a remotely sexual sense. Up to this point in my life, I identified as heterosexual, influenced mostly by my conservative upbringing. So I suddenly fell in love with this girl, head over heels, which came as quite a shock to me. But I quickly adjusted, and we have been pretty happily together for just over a year now. </div> <bR> <div> Throughout the course of our relationship, I have experienced periods of doubt, just as anyone else does. Various issues at different times, none really concerning me much because they only lasted a few days at most. Most often I would just fall in love again, forgetting about my worries and realizing why I started dating her in the first place. She's a wonderful girl, and it seems like we're perfect for each other.  Complementing one another's personalities well, plenty of similarities (we even have the same name) and most importantly, we're great friends.  But recently, in the past couple of months, the doubtful feelings have been more frequent. On our one-year anniversary, we went camping with friends, 2 of whom were getting handfasted. I was in doubt-free mode, feeling very much in love, and I agreed to get handfasted the following summer. After that I was still wavering for a while, but now I constantly question if I am truly in love, and if this is the right decision for me. I am torn between my one feeling, telling me to break it off, if just for a while, to see what the rest of the lesbian community has to offer, and the other, reminding me of how much I don't want to hurt her, of all the good times we have, and how well we work together sometimes. I think that separating for a while may be a good idea, for my own validation of my emotions, but in the fall she will be moving into my apartment with our other friends, and it will most likely be quite awkward. I have no doubt in my mind that she loves me, and that's part of the problem. If she loves me so much, how can I not return it? And I know I love her as well, but the question is how much? </div> <bR> <div> Please help me, I am going nuts from all the confusion! </div> <bR> <div> -- Love her or leave her</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="11"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="994" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="11" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Love Her or Leave Her,</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex and waiting patiently for a response. First off, what is handfasted? If it is some sort of commitment thing, then it sounds like you are not ready. You will know when you are ready for more of a commitment.  If you want the commitment to provide an answer or solve problems, it won't work. It tends to make a bad situation much worse very fast.</div> <bR> <div> It sounds like you know the answer to your questions. You are wondering if she is the one for you and that's a very valid consideration. I sense by your message that you are in college.  As such, you have not had enough experiences to know whether or not this young woman is right for you. That makes sense. It takes years of dating many people to find the one right for you.  It takes that time to find yourself and learn about yourself. In that time of experimentation (and this is the perfect time in your life for that) you find more answers. You learn what you like and don't, what you will tolerate from a partner and what you won't, what your needs are, etc. These things are discovered in time and from experience. I can't imagine still being with a partner I met in college.  We were too young and immature and still growing and learning about love and life. In short, we had much more living to do before we could be who we needed to be to make a relationship successful.  Having done all of that, I now feel that I don't need to play the field because I've done it and I know what's out there. You'll reach that point in time.</div> <bR> <div> It sounds like you need a break to do a bit of introspection and experimentation. There's nothing wrong with that. It is a completely valid space to be in at this point in your life (or at any point if that's what you want).  As for what happens when your GF moves in, maybe you can find alternate living arrangements. This happened to a friend of mine and awkward just doesn't begin to describe it. It was horrible and she was miserable.  I think you should follow your gut and do what you need to do for yourself. Your GF will take care of herself. You shouldn't be with someone just because they care a lot about you. What matters is how you BOTH feel. If the feelings aren't there for you, very little will change that. </div> <bR> <div> I hope this advice helps. Please feel free to write back should you have other questions. Good luck and stay strong. It will work out and you'll make the right choice even if it seems like you made the wrong choice.  Life is about experiences and there is something to learn from all experiences (good and bad) if you look hard enough. </div> <bR> <div> Take care,</div> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 968 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> My husband of almost 9 years just told me he is having problems with his sexual identity.  He believes he is gay or bisexual.  I am hurt, angry, sad and everything else right now.  </div> <bR> <div> -- Any advice?</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="11"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="968" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="11" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Any Advice,</div> <bR> <div> Thank you for writing to Ask Essex.  I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  Oftentimes, people begin to question their sexual identity later in adulthood, after years of marriage and child rearing.  This complicates the process of self-discovery because many more people can be affected by it.  Please know that your husband's questioning does not reflect negatively on you and that you did not contribute to your husband's sexual identity issues.  However, all of your feelings are valid because his revelation has thrown an unexpented wrench in your life plans.</div> <bR> <div> So, where do you go from here?  Both you and your husband probably need some outside support in dealing with this issue.  Your first priority is to take care of yourself right now.  Many cities have Gay & Lesbian community centers that house free support groups for families of people who are in the process of coming out.  If you tell me your city, I can help you locate one.  Also, PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is a national organization that can refer you to an appropriate support group.</div> <bR> <div> Your husband is also going through a life-altering event.  If you can support him, try to, but if you can't that's okay too.  Couples therapy might help you to figure out how his revelation will affect your marriage.  It will give you a forum in which to express all of your feelings, and hopefully help you both to survive this time with as little scarring as possible.</div> <bR> <div> At the top of the Ask Essex site, you should see a link to <A HREF="http://members.tripod.com/essexshopping/id29.htm" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://members.tripod.com/essexshopping/"><U><B>AskEssex Helpful Books</b></U></A>.  There are a some books listed there that you might find helpful.  You may find some comfort by reading the words others who have experienced similar happenings.</div> <bR> <div> Good luck, and stay strong.  Please let Ask Essex know how things progress.</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Follow-up from Any Advice:</b></I></div> <bR> <div> Thank you for your quick reply. I should tell you I am filing for divorce, which he is not dealing with very well. I don't think he is ready "to come out" all the way.  Right now just parents, one of his sisters and one of his brothers know. He has another brother/sister which do not know, no plans to tell them anytime soon.  I think that is wrong! </div> <bR> <div> Again, thank you for your help.</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 719 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> I am a 27yr old male and I think I may be in love with another guy who's 25.  This is so complicated.  I do not think its normal to be gay and I think that I would never be contented with a guy because I have all these thoughts about god.  However I met this guy in December 1999 and we became friends.  We flirted a lot over the telephone.  In April 2000 a bunch of friends met and when we saw each other with someone else we became jealous.  I admitted to him that I cared more than I realized and he told me he was in love with me.  It lasted about 7 weeks until he told me that it couldn't work out because he loves sex too much to be committed.  I should have walked away but I remained.  I guess it was because I felt so strongly towards him.  Later in the friendship we began having deeply sexual conversations over the telephone.  That suited me because as long as I was not doing anything physical with him I was protecting myself from hurt.  I traveled in December 2000.  When I returned he told me how much he missed me and told me he is attracted to a lot of people but he thinks about me more than anything else.  Last week I asked if he was feeling that way to anyone else.  He said yes.  It devastated me.  I told him that perhaps we should discontinue communicating.  I could sense he was angry.  The next day we talked and I felt his anger throughout the entire conversation. I guess in a sense no one ever told him they wanted to be left alone.  The day after I called and he said curtly he had issues to deal with and I said alright.</div> <bR> <div> Now that I've told you this I need to ask you what do I if we start talking around or should I just progress with my life.  I cannot allow anyone to play with my heart.  Life's just too short but the concept of him being with another person saddens me.  What do I do?</div> <bR> <div> -- Distance Learning</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="11"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="719" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="11" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Distance Learning,</div> <bR> <div> You are right to take care of your heart.  What you've described here doesn't sound like a healthy "friendship" for you.  This guy is interested in messing around, and you deserve someone who is willing to give you the commitment that you want.  Furthermore, this guy sounds likes like a bottle full of drama.  You are best to walk away and move on with your life.</div> <bR> <div> As for your conflict about gay sexuality and maintaining a relationship with God, please know that God loves you, he loves gays and lesbians, blacks, whites, thieves, murderers, prostitutes, etc.  God is unconditional love, and whether or not you act on your feelings, God will never abandon you.</div> <bR> <div> Good luck and stay strong.</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex  </div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 1084 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Essex, </div> <bR> <div> I'm a 16 year old heterosexual male in Arizona. I'm currently dating a girl who is 2 1/2 years younger than me, though extremely mature and well developed for her age. My girlfriend is bisexual, and she made her own decision not to act on these feelings during the course of our relationship (4 months so far). This was good because we are in love with each other, and both decided (more her) that it would just cause problems. </div> <bR> <div> We have now fallen in love, and many times, just to be sure, I've asked if I would be able to make her happy and keep her satisfied, she said yes. Now, after having been talking with her ex-girlfriend for the past few weeks (the ex who has my name scratched out on her wall and a poster of it that she throws a knife at), she has decided that she needs to be able to do things with girls as well, even though she loves me. The more I try to understand how "with a girl it's different", the more I find myself un-able to compromise my stance. I asked her if she really loves me, and yeah, according to her, she does, but she says that love isn't enough. I disagree.  She doesn't understand how the idea of her with somebody else hurts me, or why monogamy is important to me. I think that the only reason we haven't broken up is because I love her so much, and this is just ripping my heart to pieces. </div> <bR> <div> Please help me to understand this need of her's better, because despite how "it's different", she's still with another living breathing human being, and she can't see how that bothers me. Because I can't make that distinction, for me, it's the same as if she's off with another guy, yet, when I pose that, she tells me once again that it's not the same, totally ignoring the fact that it's my perception she's tossing out the window.  If I ask her not to, I'm asking her to deny part of herself. But if I agree, then I'm denying part of myself. HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND!!!! I need advice on what to do. </div> <bR> <div> -- Wants To Understand</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="11"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1084" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="11" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Wants to Understand,</div> <bR> <div> Thanks for writing AskEssex!  It's not uncommon for someone your age or your girlfriend's age to want to see other people. You both are young and still exploring your sexual identities and learning about yourselves. Even though she said she wanted to be with you exclusively, she probably didn't really understand the implications of such a commitment. If she cannot respect your feelings about her not seeing other people, then you have a decision to make.  You can either accept the relationship on her terms and make those terms your own, or you can walk away from the relationship and find someone who wants the same things that you do. </div> <bR> <div> I know both options will be painful, but we grow when life presents us with difficulties and challenges and we work to overcome them. Getting past these things in life are what make you an adult.  You are not quite there yet, but from the maturity I sensed in your message, you are on your way. I commend you for wanting to understand what your girlfriend is going through. I assume she wants to keep her options open.  She hasn't had enough experiences to truly make a final determination ... most people have not. Some people will never be monogamous. It's not for everyone. Though her current decision has left you hurt and confused, I would suggest backing off for awhile and giving her the space she needs to grow. Believe it or not 13 and 16, even 23 and 26 are not old. You have so much more living to do. I don't mean to seem condescending, but it's true.  Give yourself a few months and this will blow over. You will find someone for you, maybe this young woman or someone else.</div> <bR> <div> I agree that you would be asking her to deny a part of herself and you would be denying a part of yourself as things currently stand taking into account the needs of both of you. It is possible to love more than one person romantically.  It seems that's what your girlfriend is telling you.  Sexually speaking, she may feel that the girl she's seeing isn't a threat to you b/c as a boy you offer her something this girl cannot, and this girl offers her something you cannot.  The way she sees it, she needs and wants you both. Again, I'll say that the final decision is yours on how to handle this. Stay cool and calm as your message suggests you are and just move on, if that's something you can do right now.  Whatever course you choose, I want to commend you on having a profound understanding of what's going on with yourself and your girlfriend. You seem to understand more than you think since you are very in touch with your feelings and the situation at hand.  Maybe you two can try being friends right now. I know that suggestion sucks, but it's an option. It's not the best, but it will give you some distance. </div> <bR> <div> I hope this advice helps.  If you should have more questions about this topic or another, please feel free to AskEssex! Stay strong and keep the faith!</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 376 WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> Hello, I have question. Well I have girlfriend whom I've been dating for about 2 month already and well her ex-boyfriend has asked her out couple of times so she came to me if it was ok but I said no in the two times she has asked me but on the third time I said it was ok with me but I don't if I should allow them to go out if he asks her out again. I know for sure that if she was in my shoes she would've not been ok with it. Even though she says that she doesn't have any feeling for him that her heart belongs to me but him, he's not over her he's just trying to get to her. So I'm just paranoid about losing her. So should I let her go out again if she asks me again?</div> <bR> <div> -- Worried and Confused</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="11"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="376" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="11" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="337"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Dear Worried and Confused,</div> <bR> <div> If your girlfriend is not interested in her ex-boyfriend, then why do you think she keeps agreeing to go out with him?  If he is still interested in her, then she should make it very clear to him that she does not share his feelings.  The easiest way to do that is to decline his invitations.  However, there is always the possibility that she is interested in his attentions.  It would not be wise for you to withhold your "permission" or forbid her to go out with him because it is not healthy to attempt to control someone in that way.  However, you should tell her that you feel uneasy about her going out with the ex.  Tell her exactly how it makes you feel, and ask her to be as honest with you as you have been with her on this issue.  Just be prepared for the answers you get.</div> <bR> <div> Good luck and stay strong,</div> <bR> <div> -- Essex</div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>