Young Love - First Love

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=228239" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=188 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <IMG SRC="0468cab0.gif" border=0 width="140" height="171" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <A HREF="id14.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Gay Youth: Expressing a Gay Identity "><U><B>Gay Youth: Expressing a Gay Identity</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id12.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="She/He is Bisexual! What to do?"><U><B>She/He is Bisexual! What To Do?</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Im In Love With a Straight Boy/Girl!"><U><B>I'm in Love With a Straight Boy/Girl</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Gay Straight Relations"><U><B>Gay - Straight Relations</b></U></A></div> <div> Young Love - First Love</div> <div> <A HREF="id13.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Affairs of the Heart and Body When Thin"><U><B>Affairs of the Heart & Body</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Should I Stay or Should I Go?"><U><B>Should I Stay or Should I Go?</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Im In Love With My Friend! What Should "><U><B>I'm In Love With My Friend!  What Should I Do?</b></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="0451a1a3.gif"> <bR> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Times New Roman" ><I><B>AskEssex </b></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFCC99" FACE="Arial" >     </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CCCC66" FACE="Arial" >| </FONT>  <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AskEssex "><U><B>Home</b></U></A></div> <div> Back to <A HREF="id16.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Past Issues"><U>Past Issues</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Community Links"><U>Community Links</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AskEssex Shop"><U>AskEssex Shop</U></A>  </div> <div> <IMG SRC="05058050.gif" border=0 width="600" height="5" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <I><B>Young Love - First Love</b></I></div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="702" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 156 WIDTH="339"><div> <A HREF="http://www.10percent.com/products/music/index.cfm?refid=AX80601" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.10percent.com/products/music/"><U><IMG SRC="0aa7d960.gif" border=0 width="125" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="14"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="156" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="14" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="339"><div> <A HREF="http://www.10percent.com/products/calendars/w2002/page1.cfm?refid=AX80601" target="_blank" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.10percent.com/products/calend"><U><IMG SRC="08a7d960.gif" border=0 width="125" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 805 WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> I think I've fallen in love with my best friend. I mean, I've always loved her, like a sister, never like this. It's always been a big joke between us that, since we're together nearly 24/7 and you never see one without the other, that we are lesbians. A few weeks ago though...we were sitting in two chairs, side by side. She got tired and leaned against me. I didn't mind at all, I never do. The first thing I felt was how warm and comfortable she made me feel, but that's normal. I've always felt safe around her, not anything in the world could keep me from feeling safe around her. </div> <bR> <div> Anyway, she leaned her head back, she was practically laying on my torso, and rested the back of her head on my shoulder. I just remember looking into her eyes and thinking how beautiful she was. The fluorescent lights made that glimmer in the center of her eyes, the color lit up, and she smiled. I've just...always thought she was so pretty when she smiled. Moving on, she looked at me for a moment, I could tell she was searching my eyes for something, and she laughed. She said that we always took this joke too far. We always do that, we always say that, but it was different. The first thought that popped into my head was that it wasn't a joke to me anymore, that I really had fallen in love with her. I frowned and brushed it off. The thing is though, I don't feel embarrassed about the thought itself, but the fact that it was...that thought, at that time, with her in my arms, sleepily listening to the speaker. That's the first time I've ever thought anything like that, and it's been bugging me ever since. Am I...I don't know who or what I am anymore. Drama queen maybe, but I am scared, I need to know, am I a lesbian?</div> <bR> <div> -- In Distress</div> <bR> <bR> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="14"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="805" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="14" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear In Distress,</div> <bR> <div> Thank you for writing to Ask Essex. Before I dispense my advice, please allow me to compliment you on your lovely prose. The way you've beautifully described the smallest details of your friend make it clear that you love her. But, the bigger question is whether being in love with another girl makes you a lesbian. </div> <bR> <div> Unfortunately, there's no clear-cut answer to that question. It is very common for young people to explore different aspects of their sexuality in the process of discovering their sexual identity. So, if you're feeling anxious about your feelings, just know that there's no rush to label yourself anything. </div> <bR> <div> Now, for your feelings and your beautiful best bud. The way you've described the way she looked into your eyes, as if searching for something, is what I jokingly call it "the lesbian gaze," but you can call it what you want. This kind of visual connection usually means that people are interested, however, other factors may come into play. I'm assuming you're a teen, 14(?), and at that age, it can be really scary to tell someone how you feel for fear of being rejected. However, if you guys are really close, then this subject should be something you guys can talk about together. If you start with, "Remember the other night, when you were lying against me? ... I felt ..." </div> <bR> <div> Good luck and be brave. Let me know how things work out.</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Follow-up from In Distress:</b></I></div> <div> For one thing, you pinpointed my age exactly, good job. I want to thank you for your advice, it helped a lot. I invited her over and sat down and told her. It turns out, she really was searching my eyes for something, she feels the same way! I don't know where this going to take us, we're just on a 'we know' basis right now. This might do something different later, but for now, we're just going to act normal, and we'll talk about it if we need you. Thank you for your advice, Essex, I think you've saved me from that secret, it doesn't eat away at me anymore. You've really made a difference in my life.</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 527 WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> I'm a 17 year-old male bisexual. I have just recently been able to accept my sexuality, yet I'm still closeted. There is this guy that I am really attracted to and have been for 3 years now. He is in one of my classes, so I always take on the opportunity to pair off in groups if I'm able to. His friends always seem to joke on him that he's gay or something, just by the way he acts and sometimes the things that he says and does. I noticed while I was in class that the 2 of us were exchanging sexual innuendoes. I would always get a response from him, and when he would test me, I would respond. Then there is eye contact. Many times I catch the both of us staring into each other's eyes for like 5 seconds at a time and not looking down! I am almost positive he knows I'm bi because on my ICQ info I pretty much hinted it out and when we were in class I could have sworn I heard him mumble "Who's bi?" and he knew I heard it. Other times in the hallway he always makes an effort to bump into me, and tries to make it seem as an accident, several times his hand "Accidentally" sway toward my groin region. LOL I'm really confused and it is hard for me to tell him what I feel for him and that I'm bi.. Given these signs do you believe it wise to proceed, or is he just not ready yet??</div> <bR> <div> -- Hairbrained</div> <bR> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="14"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="527" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="14" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Hairbrained,</div> <bR> <div> Thank you for writing to Ask Essex. What you've described is a very common scenario. It is often very difficult for young men to express their true desires, so they mask it with gestures and innuendo. The hard part is determining when it is appropriate to write it off as play, and when to confront it and make it real. But that is a decision for you to make.</div> <bR> <div> The easiest way to tease this situation out is to privately come out to him and ask him if he has any issues with your being bisexual. That's a great icebreaker because it's not assuming that he's gay (which might make him act defensively) and it is simultaneously engaging him in a conversation on the subject. </div> <bR> <div> Sometimes it's best to not act on attractions, however, taking chances can lead you to thrilling experiences and new horizons.</div> <bR> <div> Take care and stay strong.</div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 296 WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> Well this is the dilio. I am almost openly gay at my school, and probably about 90 percent of the school knows about it. There is a couple of freshman boys that hit on me all the time. I don't know if they are doing it on purpose to get me to think they like me, or if they are doing it because they actually like me and wanna get to know me more. So I am at a loss here, I don't know what is what. I know they have girlfriends, but they just seem to hit on me all the time. So I am wondering if they are gay or bi, I don't know what to do about it. What do you think I should do?</div> <bR> <div> -- Help me!</div> <bR> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="14"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="296" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="14" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Help Me,</div> <bR> <div> From what you've described, you should enjoy the flirtation from the freshman boys, but not pursue it. Whether these boys are sexually interested is not a question I can answer from your brief description. But ... they are freshman, which translates to young, fickle, and confused. Not the ideal playmates, if you catch my drift.</div> <div> I don't know what city you live in, but many major cities have a gay/lesbian community center where social and support groups for queer youth are held. If you write me your city, I may be able to locate one for you. These groups are a great way to meet folks. It's usually best to leave younger classmates to their silly games.</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 504 WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,</div> <bR> <div> Hi, I am in my first lesbian relationship. Although we have not officially declared ourselves an item we are still having sex. That is my problem. She is really good at taking care of me but when it comes to my turn to take care of her I don't know what to do. I have asked her what she wants and she avoids my question.</div> <div> I have a friend that told me some people are givers and some people are receivers. Is this true? Could she be just happy being a giver. She is mildly butch as where I am more feminine. I don't know that that really has much to do with anything. I am really confused and afraid that since our relationship is still in its tentative phase that because I don't know what to do I may lose her.</div> <div> Do you have any advice on how to deal with this. I don't want to get hurt. Thank you.</div> <bR> <div> -- Need advice</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="14"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="504" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="14" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Need Advice,</div> <bR> <div> Thank you for writing to Ask Essex. Lesbian sex is not something that you'll automatically master just because you are a woman. It's a learning process, and a very fun subject to study with the right partner. But, it is something that you two should explore together. I also recommend checking out the "helpful books" link on the site. There you'll find some books on the ins and outs of lesbian sex. If you're too young to have a credit card to order off the web, go to your local Barnes and Noble or Borders and look for these books in the Gay/Lesbian section.</div> <bR> <div> As for your statement that some people are givers, and some are takers... there is some truth to that. However, I think it's safe to say that it is very rare to find a woman who needs no reciprocation. It's always safe to try to do to her what she's done to you. Copying can be a good thing in the bedroom!</div> <bR> <div> But don't worry too much about this. If this woman is unwilling to help bring you up to speed, so to speak, then she's probably not the right sexual partner for you. Take comfort in knowing that as you get more experienced, you'll probably become a terrific lover. Take care, stay strong and happy studying.</div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 688 WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04d2b2a0.gif" border=0 width="43" height="42" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Essex,<FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Times New Roman" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> I'm a seventeen year old Latina. I live in California. I just started college. I met this girl there, she's amazing (she's also a dyke). One night we had a little too much to drink and I ended up staying the night in her room. One thing led to another and we had sex. The weird thing is that I wasn't uncomfortable at all. I loved being with her, I love the way she touched me. Then a few days later we sat down and had one of those awkward serious discussions. I told her how I felt about her and that I wanted to be in a relationship with her. She responded in a very cool manner. She told me that she needed to think about some things. So I gave her the space that she needed. That very same night she called me to her room and told me that she cared about me and wanted a relationship. I was so happy, I just knew that I could fall in love with this girl. She was still a little scarred from her last relationship. She made me promise that if I ever wanted to see someone else that I would let her know before I did it. I wanted to heal her, to show her that not everyone in this world is out to hurt her. I went to bed that night with butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I was so excited. The next day during break (between classes) she had been acting kind of distant and wouldn't make eye contact with me. I knew something was wrong. I went and pulled her aside and asked her what was up. She then told me that she didn't think it was going to work out. I asked her why and she had no answer. I was crushed, I felt like crying right then and there. But I just walked away. She's been afraid to approach me ever since. I need some kind of closure. There are so many things that I want to say to her. But I have too much pride to walk up to her and tell her that I need to talk to her. I feel that she should do it. Please, if you have any advise for me I would greatly appreciate it.</div> <div>  </div> <div> -- A Confused Teen </div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="14"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="688" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="14" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="339"><div> <IMG SRC="04e29260.gif" border=0 width="41" height="38" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Dear Confused Teen,</div> <bR> <div> Well ... that's quite a story! College is full of experimentation and affairs! What should you do? Well, it isn't always possible to get that closure we want when a relationship ends. Some things just end and it's over. Nothing after that. I would suggest that you just forget about this young lady for right now. Concentrate on your studies and put your energy there. Maybe she wants to play with your mind. Don't give her the satisfaction. Enjoy the memory of that night you had together and move on. I know this may sound harsh, but you're 17 and have so much more life to live. Believe me, it's true! Also, if you're on a college campus in CA, there are bound to be other lesbians nearby. Go out and have some fun! That's what college is all about as well as studying. </div> <bR> <div> Good luck! </div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>